The Painted Tape Logs

The INCREDIBLE SHRINKING SOPRANO!

Last week I had the incredible fortune to watch the MET HD production of Massenet's "Thais" -- in which Ms. Renee Fleming looks like a bizillion, trillion dollars in Christian LaCroix gowns -- and I have decided that Renee Fleming will be my new inspiration to lose this baby fat of mine...who am I kidding, it's more like whalloping whale fat. 

I mean, this biz really is all about image, and nobody wants to see -- sorry to say -- a fat, or even chubby opera singer anymore.  Add to the fact that I will be playing two pants roles (women dressed up like a boy) in the next year...yeah, this fatty got to GO!

So you know how people like to put up their weight loss efforts in their blogs so the world can see their progress??  Well, this now officially begins the

INCREDIBLE SHRINKING SOPRANO EXPERIMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Current Weight: 5,000 lbs!!!!!!!!!!  no just kidding, but now 150 doesn't seem so bad, right??? :)
Butt measurement: Huge.
Arms: Huge.
Thighs: Thunderous.

Here is the BEFORE pic:

  

   Notice the blubbery, lethargic soprano passed out in complete exhaustion...poor thing.

And now for the AFTER!:

 

Completely confident in stature and style, the soprano blythly greets her admirers!

YES! This will be ME by the opening of my show on March 25, 2009!!!!  Let's get it on!!!

"Fiiiiiiiiigaro, Fiiiiiiiiigaro, Figaro, Figaro, Figaro, Figaro...."

I do apologize for the somewhat longish pause in the posting -- one wonders how many times apologies and excuses can be made for lapses in postings (also apologies for digressing) -- but now that I have a bit of music to learn, I have been....extremely hard working and having no time for frivolous concerns such as Facebook and blogging.  Big fake smile.

Ok, Ok...sheesh, you "persons considered unfairly oppressive and needlessly strict."  But in all fairness, instead of spending my hours borishly surfing and gathering useless knowledge from the internet at temp jobs, I have been using the 8 hours (give or take a few) to learn a role that I will most likely NOT be singing. 

Why would someone learn a role they won't be singing and are not getting paid to learn, you ask??  Well, by all means, let me enlighten you! 

1.  Can put it on my resume

2.  Keeps me in vocal shape

3. Can put it on my resume

4. Free coachings and lessons

5. Can put it on my resume

6. Nice opportunities to schmooze

7. Can put it on my resume....sheesh, I hope this resume stuff is not overrated.

Right.  Oh yes.  What role am I covering?  (Cover: understudy, second in line to the throne, aka free labor)  I'm currently learning Rosina in that ever so famous "Barber of Seville"...you know, the one with the song where the guy sings "Figaro" like a million times in a row?  Also used in that ever controversial scene with Tweety Bird smoking the ciggy and chilling in his cage?  No, I don't get to sing that song, but in true Rossini style I get to sing Italian words over and over and getting faster and faster, louder and louder...until we all fall down.  Hmmm....you know, I've never seen an opera singer pass out now that you mention it -- seen a few floor dusters in choir concerts...man, I can't stay on track today!

So most days you'll find me sitting in my office chair looking like I'm talking to myself and staring out into space -- but don't worry I haven't completely lost it, I am just memorizing miles and miles of Italian dialogue (we call it recitativo, meaning to recite ....it is like hyped up, Mary Poppins talking).  Of course, looking at it as if I am doing it all for nothing is strongly ill-advised.  I mean, that's what a life coach would tell you, right??  No, No...I am INCREASING MY MARKETABILITY!!!!!!  hmmm....why do people keep stepping outside for like one minute...my theory? releasing pent-up gaseousness....LOL!  oh these temp jobs.  On second thought, maybe I have lost it...back to recitative!

Another year, another diary....

If you didn't know already, I had my 29th birthday yesterday and I'm going to rank it up there with one of the best -- thanks to some great friends and a positive outlook on the day -- yeah, it really is all about your attitude. 

For instance, last week at our homey holiday party, I decided to surprise one of my roomies with her request that I sing "O Holy Night" for everyone.  So including that, let's see...I've had exactly one holiday gig this year -- possibly my calmest holiday season since I was running around in diapers. Now, you see, normally a poor artist would express dismay at such little business during the busiest musical season of the year, but not this artist. 

I'll tell you, that was probably my best performance of "O Holy Night" ever --  I highly recommend singing in a 20 x 20 ft room with a ridiculously out of tune piano and a few close friends less than five feet from your face (I'm sorry about the nostril hairs). And I'm not sure I could've found a more receptive and appreciative audience if I would've paid professional actors to cry on cue. 

So, for your happy holidays I highly recommend lively singing with out of tune pianos, lots of great friends, cheese, and smiles...hey, have YOU ever seen me cry??  (nah, I just whine)

And in closing this wonderful year -- actually I can't believe I've consistently kept a blog for a whole year...woohoo!  points for me I must be growing up -- I would like to leave you all with a few links to some of my favorite things about living in Alaska (yes, I am trying to look positive upon the dark winterly months).  

Skating on frozen lakes: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2nVccf6Mzs4

Sled doggies and winter carnivals: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bCYn2epHaAM

Aurora Borealis:  

Ice Carving weirdos: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OMUIV-wTIMY (gotta love alaskans)

One of my views almost every day (Sleeping Lady aka Mount Matanuska):

    

Such a beautiful city!  I miss these mountains the most when I am away!!!:

Like snow falling on a warm winter day....

....so are my future plans!

So far, these have been my ideas this week for next fall:

Monday: Buy a house and move to Pennsylvania.

Tuesday: Teach English in Taiwan and be hailed as a god by the locals for singing classical music

Wednesday: Teach English in Taiwan, forget singing and just spend the remainder of my days teaching English around the world

Tomorrow: I think I will take my friend's suggestion and sell cheese on the moon

I think I am a total dependent of peer pressure and societal expectations.  Like, I was totally fine when the government and society were planning my life.  You have to go to school K-12, we highly suggest you get a Bachelors, and it'd be swell if you got your Masters, but we really have no use for you unless you get your Doctorate.  So good luck with your life! Don't come back unless you have money!  (Seriously? I'm still paying my school loan and they have the gall to ask me if I would be so kind as to support the university as an alum??? they must be off their meds!!!!)

If I hadn't done singing as a major, I most likely would have been one of those lifelong students who changes their major every year.  Well...actually, I guess I kinda do change my major every year in the college of LIFE!  People always say to me, "You're so lucky!  Nothing to tie you down -- no kids, no family, no husband, no permanent job, etc".....um, yeah, I'm feeling better already.

Oh well, truth is, I have nothing else better to do at my temp job than sit around and dream up crazy ideas all day.

La Sonnambula in Pennsylvania

So I'm sitting here with my fellow soprano in crime after we finally got more than 4 hours sleep last night.  Since I arrived from Alaska almost four days ago -- it's debatable how long I've been here...what day is it today? -- I've slept, on average, 4 or 5 hours a night.  Blame it on the airlines, the time difference, early trains and Youtube -- but my friend, her husband, and I have been walking around like Amina for the past 4 (or 5) days.

On Thursday afternoon, after finally getting to sleep at 3am, I sang for Crested Butte Opera's young artist program -- which we have fondly renamed "Crusted Butt" because we just couldn't help ourselves -- and I actually was really proud of my audition.  But as usual, it's only for my satisfaction as I walk away from most auditions saying, "Well, I was happy with that, but I won't get it." 

But I did learn one thing that I had never noticed before -- that I sang so much better and was so much more relaxed when I had my two good friends there supporting me.  I mean, I wasn't sitting in the hallway with all the other 1,000 sopranos playing that game of "oh where are you from?" and acting like they care and pretending that I equally care -- but I actually do because I think it's interesting to get to know people -- but I guess at these auditions I'm supposed to "pretend" and be a diva to psych everyone else out.  Whatev!!

Friday we spent the day at the Harley Davidson Factory -- I had to go to make Mummy and Daddy jealous -- and then we spent, ok I, spent all my money in the gift shop and at the 2nd Hand store.  Seriously, who do I think I am, Donald Trump?

Yesterday, after taking a sleeping pill -- I think I am addicted now -- I took the morning train to Philly to sing an 11:12AM audition for Lake George Opera.  I have never been so tired in my life.  Add to the fact that there was no appropriate warm-up space besides the 100 degree basement bathroom with ants -- which is actually normal at auditions -- and the soprano before me lied about the hall being so wonderful to sing in -- which I won't go into or tell you that she is from D.C. -- well, it just wasn't the ideal wonderful audition that I would have liked to have.  But the Lake George people were really nice -- probably because this was only the first hour on the first day of their audition schedule and they didn't want to throw their computers at any sopranos yet.  Oh, and I forgot to tell you that I had to sing after this tenor who sang "Pour mes amis" from "Daughter of the Regiment" which has 9 high C's.  Yeah.  Yay me.

Anyways...I did get to see the Liberty Bell and Betsy Ross's house and Ben Franklin's remnants of his life before I totally konked out in the train station and a police officer treated me like a homeless person and tried to kick me out of the station.  Monkey muffins!  What a ridiculous day!  But I guess that's how some days are.

Now will you please excuse me while I go murder my friend and steal her vocal chords for singing high F's at 9am...ok, I lie, it's 12:55pm.

Expense Insanito

The other day my fellow colleague and good soprano friend and I were having a good laugh at the expense of opera execs everywhere.  You know how some people pay other people to tell them they are wonderful? Like a therapist or life coach or whatever.  Well, we sopranos pay thousands of dollars and fly around the country to have people ignore us, not look us in the eye, and/or treat us like pooh kaka!  Bwahahahahaha...it was a good belly laugh! and what made it so funny was the truth to it!

I think that every now and then, when things just really get frustrating, it's nice to have a completely ridiculous cleansing laugh.  I mean, who would laugh about that?  It's so insane you really have to wonder why we do it! 

Everyone keeps telling me "get out there and sing"..."get out there and sing"..."you're ready to be launched"..."why aren't you singing?"  Well...isn't that the question of the hour!  Not to be disrespectful to my supporters -- without whom I would surely be stuck in a ditch without a shovel -- but I'm doing the best I can!  I can only schmooz so much and only get 10 minutes at best to prove who I am as a singer. 

Which brings me to the point of audition practices.  If you're gonna hold auditions, then in my humble opinion you should hold auditions.  None of this sing for us for five minutes and we'll sum up your entire work ethic, personality, future, stage presence, acting skills, ability to move and take direction, ability at acquiring new skills....serious, I've seen some fabulous auditions only to find that the singer can't act and mouths off when asked to try something new.  Do you really want that in your company?  Ask me some questions! Give me some direction to see if I can do what you want! Make me sing something over and over again to see if I can do it like you want!

I understand the need to move through things quickly because of the volume of singers, but perhaps then, they should not accept so many singers to audition for them.  I know this is possible because when I sang for Opera Colorado they did just that.  Worked with me a bit to see if that's what they wanted. I don't know, just seems reasonable to me! But maybe I'm insane.

Last day...woohooo!!!

Perhaps it was working with screaming kids, personal matters, or the negative degree weather....for whatever reason I almost lost it in the Fred Meyer yesterday!!  You see, there's kinda been a fad I guess where people in Fairbanks ask me how long I've lived up here because of the simple fact that I have a hat, gloves, and scarf on and my jacket is actually buttoned up.  If I wore a sign saying, "I do not live here" I don't think they'd even pay attention as long as I've got my flip flops and Hawaii shirt on.

So it happened once that a precocious young woman asked me if I lived here because I was so bundled up I surely must have just moved here.  I let it go.  But yesterday when the checkout guy asked me again, well.....I'd pretty much had enough!!!  Don't even get me started on my soapbox, but to me it just seems logical that if it is -10 degrees out that you put on a hat, gloves, coat and you actually button it up.  Now, in my mind that does not seem too crazy -- I like being warm and I'm not stupid enough to want to pretend that I'm not freezing my ass off -- but apparently it screams "OUTSIDER" to these Fairbanksans and they feel compelled to point it out.

Anyways, right, back to the opera.  Today is our last day of "Green Eggs and Ham" in the schools!  Wahoo!!!!  I am so happy and I just want to commend all teachers of elementary school out there for what they do!!!  We worked with the children this week for only two days and I'm beat.  We laughed, we played, we cried, and sang -- a good time was had by all -- but boy, what a handful!!! 

Most of the time the kids helped us by making props and scenery for the show -- including a blue goat with red whiskers ("I will not eat them with a goat") and a pink tree ("I will not eat them in a tree").  We did face paint to teach them about make-up, actually made green eggs and toast, made mice out of PlayDough ("I would not like them with a mouse!") and did silly things like marching around to the tune of my aria "Chacun le sait".  All of it designed to introduce the kids to the exciting world of opera! 

The kids just eat it up.  It's amazing what the power of music can do -- we're talking completely unruly kids and then I start to sing and they shutup and listen.  Kids who act tough and think it's so stupid you find walking down the hall trying to sing.  Other kids who traditionally fall behind find that anyone can sing and make a purple fox ("I do not like them with a fox!").  Little girls come up to me and say, "You're pretty!" and give me a huge hug which completely makes my day!  And they actually DO learn to try things first before they make a decision about liking it or not.   

I guess that's why I like singing for the kids the most -- they haven't been tainted by the world to as what constitutes good vs bad singing and they are the most appreciative.  Now, if they only had jobs and could pay to hear me sing! 

The trees on the mountain...

...well, they really do lie cold and dead up here in the far north!  You know what else is neat? The moon.  It's like a huge orange rising up over the hills every night.  It is so cool to see...is it something to do with the far north?  Are we closer to the moon?  What does this have to do with opera?  :)

I like to think every life experience has something to do with opera.  Let's say I was a tenor and I had to sing "Nessun Dorma" -- coming to Fairbanks just to see the moon would be great research!  Did you know I was on the Fairbanks Visitors & Convention Board?? 

So here I am, up in the freezing north.  What a shock it was to.  Let me tell you about the past few weeks....doodledoodledoodle....when I left Anchorage on Oct 3 it was a crisp, fall day.  I flew to my parents in Idaho to overnight and then flew to San Francisco for an audition with Florida Grand Opera.  Why the strange flights??  Money, my dears, money.  Turns out it was cheaper to get the flight to Idaho with my miles and then buy a ticket to San Fran. 

So I sang for FGO in one of the multitude of rehearsal rooms backstage of the San Fran Opera -- ok, that was pretty cool -- but overall the audition was nothing too special.  Did I post this already?  Well, it was akin to the Olympics...the singers were so good, I was just happy to be there!  When I finished my audition I went out on the street and was hit with the overwhelming techno sounds of the annual Lovefest.  I tell ya, gotta love San Fran...where opera goers share the sidewalks with green-spandexed, purple-haried partiers. 

After a wonderful visit in San Fran with a friend from college, I flew back to Idaho to visit my parents and become a human science expiriment -- whenever I visit it's usually a marathon of my annual doctor's appointments.  On Oct 12 I sang for the MONC auditions  -- that is, the Metropolitan Opera National Council Auditions.  About 6 years ago I had vowed never to sing for that competition because you never know what they are looking for.  You could be the best singer -- not that I ever am -- but they wouldn't pick you because you aren't young, a man, or moldable to their specifications later on down the road.  Right.  Don't get me started on the competition.  Needless to say, I will not be doing it again.

What is of note, however, is what happened before the competition.  :)  So, I figured it'd be a good idea to try on my gown before the competition....um......yeah..........you know how you think you're so lucky to live with a roommate who can cook so well but you don't have the will power to not go back for seconds??? or...ah-hem....thirds??  Yeah.....we ended up running down to this bridal boutique in a little town in Idaho and luckily found a dress that fit this whale of a soprano that didn't break the bank!

Excuse me...I have to go climb a mountain now.

Phew, I'm back.  So I flew back to Anchorage a week later and landed in a winter wonderland!  The next morning I went back to the airport yet again -- I have my favorite security checker there now -- and flew to Fairbanks.  I will be here for three weeks working with Opera Fairbanks.  We are putting on little productions of "Green Eggs & Ham" where for once I do not play a cute little girl, but rather a mean old grouch. :)  Bwahahaha....!

Hey this singing stuff...yeah, it can be fun!

One thing I've learned about this blog....I'm a lot funnier on it when I'm depressed!  Lol.  But I guess I  shouldn't curse the gods about being happy and somewhat successful.  I say I'm somewhat successful because I'm actually making money this year in the profession that I went to school for!  How many people can say that!

I've been busier than a motorcycle convention in Sturgis, SD -- flying around, visiting family, auditioning, practicing, emailing....watching movies and episodes of Magnum, P.I....wait, what?? 

In October I took my first venture back into the contiguous U.S. by flying to Denver for an audition with Opera Colorado.  The audition went well -- as in, my panty hose didn't get a run and I didn't trip down the stairs on the way to the piano.  I did however, walk in without my music and had a stare down with the pianist until I realized why he was so expectantly looking at me -- at which point I really did do a headslap and walked back up the 5% graded stairs to fetch my music.  But really, besides the fact that I couldn't breathe, I felt pretty good about the audition.  I've already heard back from them saying "no thanks", but with encouragement to sing for them again in the Spring.  Until then I might consider practicing at the tops of mountains in Alaska to get in shape for the Denver air. 

No really, climbing a few mountians would not be a bad idea for my slightly chubbiness self -- since it is getting increasingly hard to squeeze into my Vera Wang.

I just returned from San Francisco where I sang for Florida Grand Opera.  What I will say about that audition is this:  It was like the Olympics...as in, I finished last but was happy to have made it there!  The singers I heard were so incredibly good I wasn't quite sure what I was doing there and that's the truth, mkay!??!  I don't expect an offer...maybe I would've had better luck singing for the Lovefest across the street.

Oh well...on to better things.  This Sunday I will try my hand at the New York MET auditions in Spokane, WA.  It's a "competition" of sorts with several rounds leading all the way up to the finals in New York City.  I don't expect to get that far -- look, I'm not be negative, just realistic!  But I would like to get past this first round -- which is my goal.  Then I'll fly back up to Anchorage, repack my suitcase, and fly to Fairbanks for a gig with Fairbanks Opera.  We are doing some children's performances in the schools...Seuss's "Green Eggs & Ham" to be precise!  It should be fun!

R is for Recording...

...and recording is for the birds!!!  You know how when you're young and impressionable and you think "oh wouldn't it be fun to spend hours and hours trying to get the perfect take of the same 6 measures and then spending 6 more hours cutting and pasting those perfect takes together????"  Riiiiiight.

I have always said, that when I am academic dean of some voice program -- do they have deans of voice programs? -- that there would be a few necessary classes added to the curriculum. 

1) Some kind of exercise or health and fitness class for singers
2) Personal finance and business for singers

and now I would like to add:

3) Recording practices for singers.

Look, doing a vocal recording is a helluva lot harder than a purely instrumental recording by pure fact that some sections are so vocally taxing that to do them over and over again is as helpful as fertilizing a dead tree...and that's what I feel like everytime I record!  Is it the absence of an audience? Absence of the adrenaline?  I just think I won't do any more set-up recordings.  Only live from now on!

You be the judge I guess...I'll be adding some more sounds clips to the blog later tonight!